Day 34 - 3rd Feb
Death and all his friends
My children are dying
As am I
That is for certain
Throwaway
But you can't throw it away
Because it is true
And real
And eternal
Go to the gym
Fitter, happier, healthier
That's good
I will still die
Don't think about it
That's right
Get and grab
Do and do
More productive
Yes I know, I know
I listened to a podcast show and they all talked about it
A lot
And I talked about it
To my friend
On the way to the gym
And I have a nice meal this week
Good reviews
And I posted it on to the Instagram
And I really, really enjoyed it I think
See friends once in a while
Look over your shoulder
there’s a giant raven on the scaffolding.
All Australian crows are ravens.
They are touts an scouts for the underworld.
And yet when you look
In your babies gorgeous perfect faces
As they sleep
Or closer yet
When you wake in the night
The droll-old story comes back
A wee bit more central now
I will definitely
(No doubt about it)
Die one day.
I wonder does that vampire millionaire longevity man
ever wake to that thought.
that would fuck up the sleep score data
Sleeping well (no bad dreams)
don’t laugh at his funeral.
because I’m the same as him.
The death of others
Is a paradox
Brings it to mind
But the little man inside the mind,
Does not feel - But thinks
Always thinking
“Maybe not me
Maybe I can dodge that bullet
Maybe this shows me
(after all - It wasn't me)
And won't be…”
strut cock walking out of this cave now
swinging forearms back out of the parlour
“…I'm Keanu Reeves in The Matrix
If I can just - need to see the matrix and
Lean all the way back into it”
Whoosh!
On the way to the gym
Which is under new management now
Different logo on the door
New fob to get in,
but it’s good
it’s better
and here forever
I think.
good business model.
It's nicer
There's cool new machines in there
“Maybe I won't die”
gym mirror
mouth it - whispered back at peak squeeze of bicep curl
“I'm Neo”.
But you're not though, are you?
Even Keanu Reeves isn't Neo.
You are going to die
And so are your children
“What would you have me do?
Put a skull on my desk?”
Like a Dead Dutch merchant?
“Become an absolute head-melter
An absolute head-the-ball belter
In a world that is hard enough as it is?”
*I have no answer
I once texted a friend in a nightclub
"I've found your phone"
You are on your own.
But isn't that a beautiful thing?
To give up this awful inner ring
Of Samsara
Of knowing all your plans are makeshift anyway
Never work out because
they are scraping and crawling avoidance
of one simple truth?
I am going to die
And so are my children
All there is left to do now
Is live with them
If you must Think, think,
What timing!
That I should get to live in this tiny sliver where their wee heads
are not
skulls or cells or dirt
I get to see them
breathing
in a cot
with rose smelling warm feeling soft laden deep sighing heart achingly beautiful little beings
That live in my house and love me
(Most of the time)
When I'm not being a dickhead or an asshole
They are here now - not dead
but instead
Animated
By the great mystery - As am I
am I?
I am…
I am.
So do not place skull on corner desk
And then return to nonsense
tasks as though they matter
Full of your own pitter-patter
of importance
Because that skull is an
audiobook Maddona Ryan Ho-li-day
Here today. Gone today
No.
Go away.
And really feel you are
Dying.
Drowning.
Lying
in your own grave
Every shovel of earth on top
Your bad and crummy decisions
The derision
you heaped upon yourself
The things about yourself you put on the shelf
You didn't save, you didn't floss
You didn’t rave and couldn't gloss
over
your partner’s foibles and loved him or her
as they were.
For their wonder
instead - pointless plunder
You didn't play with your inner boy or inner girl or inner Joy
Or make good things you could have
as toys
for others
to stop them from crying
or dying - without first living.
You let fear take you piece by piece
A slow cooker meal with fast-release
and realised
At the river bend
Too late
The Styx
Is manned by death and all his friends
And chief amongst them
Is fear.
Yama Dharmaraja
is here now
outside your front door
in motorcycle helmet
if you don’t go. - but hide in your box room instead
your own devouring mammy will come and take you
to be kneecapped
by him.
It’s better to walk in and out by yourself.
He is a good shot,
low calibre
he is coporeal
misses popliteal
then climb in coffin
of your own accord.
You are buried alive now
Gasping, bleeding
but fighting rightly
and clotting
And above you hear a rasping
Of shovel scooping out again
All your crummy handiwork
Coffin lid snapped open
Resurrectionist takes their bounty in you
Throws you on back of horse drawn cart
With the other stinking corpses
Off you get now
Lesson learned
Suffocate under the death of your brothers for a while
Nip away now down alleys
hard-won limp
Let the cart trundle
On without you this time.
Too far to walk home
flag down double-decker Piccadilly-bus
You’ll cause a fuss
as you Climb the stairs
leg has clotted
Go to the front seat at the top
That's a wee thrill you had forgotted
You will be wide-berthed because
You are unhoused
Stink
Back from the grave
but the Ra
and Yama
have set you straight.
and made you feel not think.
I am going to die
and so are all my children
Ding the bell
Your smell
keeps all at bay
For today - and descend
Into your home
Downstairs shower
Power-shower
Same one but feels better now
God this is a good shower
debridement out the wound.
it is gone.
pink perfect skin where the wound should be.
but the limp is corporeal.
He never hits the popliteal
Towel off and Jim-jam creep
To look upon wee head
Not dead - yet
but asleep
So much atop their wee skulls
Flesh and bone and love and anima
This your skull
To remind you.
lest ye forget.
Kiss now
They'll acknowledge
And not really stir
But purr.
daddy did the thing
and is back home now
no need to flee
and rehouse entire family
And if you are lucky
You can climb another flight of stairs
And lie in beside another person who will die
And feel their vital breath on your face
And think
I belong here in this place for now.
dues paid.
What a precious Tuesday night this is.
Live my friend. Live.
Now.
Niall Campbell